It was over then. I just didn't recognize it. It was all over and everyone knew but me. The looks. “He just doesn't get it.” Tsk tsk. Everyone else kept going and growing and I just kept stumbling along.
People tried to tell me and I got angry. I grew resentful. What do they know? A lot. Who do you think you are to tell me? Someone who is doing the right things; perhaps you should pay attention. I didn't listen. I never listen. I figure out.
I figure wrong. You spend so much time surviving you forget what living is like, then it's too late to remember. So you start from scratch but how? You make a plan; from what? You didn't suddenly become an expert in anything but your own survival. All your plans are just treading water with the frantic futility of someone trying not to drown. You expend every bit of effort and go beyond yourself to find reserves only to look up and the shore is no closer but you can hear the music. Everyone is having a great time. You can almost smell the barbecue if you can just keep your head above the waves.
I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm alone.
It has been over for a long time.
I'm just now recognizing it.
