I moved from Walled Lake from DeWitt from Lansing from TownePlace Suites Farmington from two hospitals and a couch in Chicago from West Bloomfield from a penthouse in Detroit from a roach coach in Detroit from two couches in Southfield from Seattle from a suicide apartment in Sterling from a townhouse in Sterling from Vienna from Laurel from a waterfront high-rise in Baltimore from a riverfront high-rise in Detroit from Pittsfield Township from 121 Fieldcrest Apt 304 Ann Arbor, MI 48103 (I think) from up on Plymouth from Harold's crib in Hidden Valley from 2002 Pauline Apt 2A from Amanda's floor from Bursley from Baits from Bursley from Markley from Detroit from Oak Park from Radclift from Strathmoor where I was born.
I have lost everything.
I have gained nothing.
There are no happy endings. Just endings. This is an ending.
I would prefer it not be my ending.
What Comes Next?
Still the case, btw.
“Just more fierce, is all.” ~ Slim Charles
To understand my post-Residency depression is to understand that when I'm at Drexel I am a Doctoral student in a cohort of executives and leaders, wealthy and successful individuals of all stripes trying (trying!) to engage with them on topics with which I have no practical experience and somehow pulling it off.
Then I come home and I'm Homeless Jones with a pile of job rejections and ghosted follow ups. And one month on my lease. And not a soul in the world who cares or will notice if I fail. That will just be that.
Then you're supposed to keep going.
~ JR
This is a recipe for protein pancakes.
Makes about four reasonably sized pancakes, enough for two meals portioned.
Dry bowl
- CarbQuik: 80 g
- Kirkland chocolate whey (isolate/concentrate) protein powder: 60 g
- Psyllium husk powder (fine): 5 g
- Baking powder: 6 g
- Cinnamon: 2 g
- Cacao nibs: 20 g I stepped this up...serving size is 30g
Wet bowl
- Eggs: 2 large
- Greek yogurt (plain, 2%–5%): 120 g 150g cup I've been using non fat, might switch to add fat to diet
- Unsweetened almond milk: 180 g (start here; you can add more to thin) started 130g
- Vanilla extract: 4 g this feels high shit costs should have noted real not fake
Method (one bowl wet → into dry)
Heat a non-stick pan over medium. Lightly film with ghee. Good plan keep this use fingers.
Whisk wet bowl until smooth.
In the dry bowl, whisk to evenly distribute psyllium/baking powder.
Pour wet into dry and whisk just to combine. Rest 3–5 min so psyllium hydrates.
- If batter is too thick, add almond milk 15–25 g at a time to reach a thick-pour consistency. Batter came out just right at 130g so pow AI sucks.
Cook ~¼ cup (≈60–70 g) portions. Flip when edges set and bubbles stay open (≈2–3 min/side). Patience. Sabr for pancakes. When they're ready they're ready.
Re-grease pan with a touch of ghee between batches if needed. Serve hot. Wasn't needed but nice didn't see this. Made four pancakes in the smaller nonstick pan. Ate two hot put the other two in a plastic Ziploc I'm the fridge. Will hit tomorrow with eggs no fuss. Clean up not so bad. Keep this in rotation we have plenty of CarbQuik though we'll run out of eggs.
Tweaks
More lift: bump baking powder to 8 g if you like extra fluffy.
Sweeter: add 6–8 g sugar or a dash of your preferred sweetener to the dry bowl. Monkfruit in reserve, not needed.
Blueberry throwback: fold in 80–100 g frozen blueberries (still frozen) instead of nibs.
Enjoy the crunch from the nibs with that chocolate whey—perfect. It was just a bit of crunch. Didn't hate it. Store this separately. this be that ~ JR
I conflate Me Liking You with You Liking Me. Meaning: because I like you you should therefore like me, and in the same way. It never occurred to me that me liking someone was not enough of a reason for them to like me. Even if I like them real hard.
So the disconnect between effort and reward really shouldn't be new. Working for a thing does not produce that thing in and of itself. Interest must be captured before value can be recognized. And sometimes that value isn't determined until the thing is lost.
All of these words mean things. ~ JR
I really did fundamentally believe on some level that someone was going to give a shit. That's what all this was predicated on — it never occurred to me that no one would. And maybe that's arrogance. No one put me in the situation I was in but me. No one made me drink no one took control of my life I gave it willingly.
I just thought
That if I interrogated what got me there, how to get out of there, how not to end up there again. That if I pulled myself out of a hole into a motel into Lansing into London into a half marathon alone and sober that someone might say wow you have been through so much
I forgot the “alone” part.
Who knows what I went through but me? No one else was there.
What does that say about me?
New rule: Nothing sits in drafts. Let it fly. ~ JR
This is just going to sit in drafts probably because I do not feel like unpacking this fuck shit just yet thanks. I mean not that there's anything left to unpack. This shit is just. Somethings are sad but explaining why they're sad just seems fucking awful because not only do you have to relive why it's sad but you have to think why do I need to explain this to anyone and why am I always alone in these moments?
So yeah. This one is just gone have to cook for a minute.
Blogging from a Lyft is very...who was the drunk who has the statue in Mackinac? I have that picture and will update this post with it. That was a Me and Mom trip right around this time of year a couple years ago. Driving Up North where I had never been to sightsee and run the Labor Day Mackinac Bridge Run. Good times: I remember Mom saying she was looking for me in the crowd from her hotel room window. My Mom. This time of year.
It always this time of year, late summer in Michigan. Feels transformative like things are changing but in ways that won't be clear for a while, maybe not until school starts. Or you finish the move. Or start the job. Or get over the breakup. It's always right around this time of year, the time when you look back you'll realize you were holding your breath waiting for What Comes Next.
~ JR
We have got to stop taking “shrug” for an answer.
That's a bar. And that one goes all the way back to the beginning, doesn't it? The Lipton Iced Tea thing. We are not Lipton Iced Tea: we are a superior beverage, much more refreshing and with no added sugar or artificial sweeteners.
So we stand on that. Drink your fuckin Kool-Aid if you want. Five cent pack makes three quarts of. Then that's the other thing OK how do I balance letting people just enjoy their bland substandard drinks without seething with rage over their inability to recognize how much better hydrated they could be not to mention tastes great?
Tastes GREAT.
“Shrug.”
Fuck you.
~ JR